Dear anti-cupid;

GRUMBLE GRUMBLE GRUMBLE HAVE NOT BLOGSPOTTED IN FOREVER. I WANT JAKE. GRUMBLE GRUMBLE. GIVE ME YESTERDAY, OR TOMORROW. GTFO TODAY.

Hmph

You cannot do this to me. Not again.

-My heart turned black before I had the chance to choke on the best of
reasons.

Remind me to forget.

I spent the day with my ex boyfriend. He has a girlfriend, though, so don't get the wrong idea. He didn't need to say a word, I knew what he was thinking. I knew what he was feeling. I felt the same. He proceeded to explain how he felt, the thoughts rolling over in my head like waves paramount to the size of a tsunami. He told me he loved me. I believed him, just like I used to. I can't help being jealous of her. She has what is mine... but he is no mine, not anymore. He says he loves me but when it comes down to it, it is her that he is waking up to, not me. Maybe that's how it should be.

New house,

Is amazing. Socks are mandatory for fun, seeing as though it has floor boards. Ilen with kiddies then they slept. I got free vodka all night. MM NOM. Watched movies. Was great. Best night i've had in a fair while. Pre smiley. And no hangover this morning YAYAAY. I like it here :) Not keen on going home.


I miss my stranger boy.

SO:

I went to a gig last night, it was the worst. Some kid tried to kiss me FIVE times. I'm like *turns away and puts my hand up*

I met some other boy.I forget his name, but he was really cute. He is probably the second best cuddler in the world. I hope I see him again in my lifetime, at least once.
He was something amazing :)

I might be sleeping in the new house tonight, not sure. Pre happy if I do :)

Some days I just want to quit.

Die, Thoughts replaced by a placid romance, Without movement, i can't
escape. Die. Searching through the static, Twisted and torn inside of
such blinding visions of destruction. So i have to question, Was this in
the master plan? Now a broken future's all that we hold. Broken. Our
broken future is all that we hold, our day draws to it's close. Dusk,
Washes away Integrity now bleeds away. As tired hearts are left to
drain, Do you see there faces when you fall asleep at night? Now they're
nothing more than blood stained memories. Blood stained memories .

Xx

Just take the wheel and kill us both.

*shivers*

7 am. School. Sick.

Where's my wish wellingtons @?

Today

A lady I was serving had a very strong scent. It was almost identical to that of my ex boyfriends house. I almost cried. I don't quite know why...

Why.

I wake up to sweet goodmorning messages from various people, half of
whom i've been treating like absolute shit. I don't get it. Why are they
still here? Don't get me wrong, i'm really greatful... but i'm a little
confused. Ily but

-Just take the wheel and kill us both.

Let's recount.

I awoke with a sharp pain in my head, a ball of fury the size of China pulsating in my throat and the dull reminants of last nights mistakes strewn across my vague mind. I stand up, I fall down. Head spinning uncontrollably I decided that this was going to be a fantastic day. I slowly crawl to the bathroom and throw up my stomach lining. I lie on the cold floor for no less then twenty minutes gathering the strength to rise. I slowly fumble through my cupboard retrieving clothing suitable for such a disaster. I slide into my black skinny leg jeans trying to piece together my puzzled memory of the night before, hoping that I hadn't done anything i'd regret. I pull the white shirt over my head. Lately it's had the effect of a straight jacket... captured, no freedom or choice, no happiness, no control. I shove on some tattered shoes and grasp my phone in one hand and my ipod in the other. Back to school, once again. I jump in the car, spinning my finger around the touch panel resulting in ridiculously loud music drowning out the sound of my nans constant mindless chatter. We drive the long way, passing through Charlestown, Elemore Vale, Wallsend, and inevitably ending up a Jesmond. How I loathe the very name of the place. I walk along the outside, holding onto my lasts moments of freedom for the next 6 hours, I breathe in deep, saouring the fresh air. My spirit trapped inside the gates of this hell that I have no choice but to enter, day in, day out, it is my dystopia. Before I even get a chance to set myself new goals for the term, new standards, before I get a chance to conjure a thought of education at all, I turn to see the dragon staring me down. As I enter she calls me to the side and proceeds to give me the two minute scorching of how I need to "Shape up" or I shant bother coming next week, or any time after that. I mutter a few choice obscenities under my breath as I turn my back and walk away holding in my distasteful thoughts. I absent mindedly make my way through the all to familiar corridors and stairwells until I am faced with the door to my first class. I stop for a moment, prepare myself for what I am about to endure. My hand slides over the cold door handle. Well, this is it. I walk in to see several familiar faced spread across the dark computer room. I see nothing has changed, nothing at all. As the teacher spins around from the front of the room she greets me; "Welcome back to hell. Please take your seat."

Too much time on his hands.

There ain't no sunshine when shes gone says:
stuff on the side is fire works

HAIKU

When they tried to teach me the art of Haiku it went straight over my head, my only response was "Bless you!"




Will you love me tomorrow?

Sophie told me to make a tumblr. It's probably easier to use than this, but I shalt not convert. Trying to make mitch get both :D

My throat hurts.

Keen on life.

I want to sleep, I have a headache. I miss the way thing used to be. I don't like people. I don't like jason. Ah. Why is everyone all up in my face? I KILL YOU. Newfound obsession with Jeff Dunham. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

I get offered full time apprenticeship

And it gets thrown in my face by my nan telling me that im ruining my
life and im giving everything up for nothing. Fuck. Sick of this shit.
Want to run awayyyyyyy.

- The universe is filled with different views; some are right and some
are wrong. It's hard to sort out until this screaming turns around. Just
take the wheel and kill us both, wishing some day you'll be thinking.

Best way to start the last term of year 11

Late. Hungover. Grumpy.

- If I listen to your lies would you say i'm a man without conviction?
I'm a man who doesn't know how to sell a contradiction.

I swear one day...

The blog gods are going to be like GTFO YOU BLOG TOO MUCH EMOTIONAL BITCH.


I want you. Maybe I can have you. I know better. I love you. You say you love me. I know better. I let you go. I was stupid. I know better. Sometimes I think maybe. We could work. I know better.
So this is regret. This is longing. This is love. I know better.

Let go, throw me over,

I just can't breathe without you, My heart bleeds out sorrow. Oh, Would this scorn her of romance? I can't see your faces. My heart turned black before I choke on the best of reasons, love's gone and never coming back. Can I frame your love in my head, I wanna wake you up to shine, I'll wake you up to shine. Don't you wish you could close your eyes and pretend but this suffocating memory just wont end. You could have saved us, Instead you erased us. Now this loves gone wrong. With Your precious little impulse you fucking talk, now your left to silence. Oh. (The universe is filled with different views; some are right and some are wrong. It's hard to sort out until this screaming turns around. Just take the wheel and kill us both, wishing some day you'll be thinking. The universe is filled with different views some are right and some are
wrong. Take the wheel and kill us both.) Don't you wish you could just close your eyes and pretend that this suffocating memory dies. Just die, Just die. For you I would die!

- If I listen to your lies would you say i'm a man without conviction?
I'm a man who doesn't know how to sell a contradiction.

Hate list:

Joebird
SBS
Sex that leaves you sore for days
Hot water
People that label themselves
Lurkers
Home wreckers
People who lie to me
My bestfriends life
The way I treat people
The way I act
Alcohol
Drugs
Sexual abuse
Cameron
Fatigue
Education
Lack of money
Brussell Sprouts
Sore gum
Rolled ankles
Cold legs
Big hearts
The way i'm too easily affected
My love
The way I use the term love too often
Singularity
Relationships
One night stands
Secrets
Loneliness
Surprises
People who lead you on
People who fuck you over
Oscar the grouch
Ebay liars
Jesmond High
Having to put in effort
Having to wake up at 6 am
Wearing skirts
Wearing clothes
Being touched
Missing him
Nicotine cravings
The same mistakes that I keep on making
Let downs
Fuck ups
Regrets
Filthy bitches
Mary Kay
Bad skin
Fringes that are too long
Heels that break
Distant friends
Bitchy hoes
People who basically have sex in the middle of I block
The new vegemite
Poo
Bad kissers
Shit musicians
The fact I hardly ever get to see Mitchell
Lame queers
People who think their hotshit
People who think im hotshit
Chinese anything
Males
Females
Children
Adolescents
Adults
The Middle aged
The elderly
The dead
The living


EVERYTHING. BAD MOOD.

These are the things in life that I do not understand.

I meet an incredible boy. I take him for granted. I walk all over him and leave him over nothing. I let stupidity and alcohol get in the way of something potentially great. What truly puzzles me is that he is still here, ready to pick me up when I fall, ready to help me through life. It's the greatest mystery of all. You mean so much to me, but I don't think you realise... I wish I never ruined things. I am just glad that you are happy.

ALL ABOUT A BOY;

I know he will never read this, so this is why I can let it out.

I have felt something unexplainable since the day I met you. I remember our first kiss, it made me fly. We sat and talked for hours. I had never been happier. You made me feel like nobody else could. You made me smile, a geniune smile. I miss the way we used to be. Seemed so perfect but of course I had to fuck it up. Still, I find myself unable to let go. I was so sure that you were the one, I still am. You are the only boy that has really made me smile since Jake. That is something incredible, to think that in five - six months there was only one, only you. I think my feelings toward you are almost love, almost. I know you have let go of me, and I understand why. I just wish I had another chance. You mean so much more to me than I will ever let you know, still, I hope you know inside yourself. You are something special. I hope you find happiness within someone elses heart, you deserve to be happy at the very least. I adore you. I hope we will always stay as close as we are now. I will always be here, always. I love you zach, forever. This is not an empty promise, this is a vow. This is me letting go of you, I should have long ago. Goodbye. Hello. Friends forever.

Yours sincerely,
Sunshinebriony. <3

You know that your life has gone downhill when...

You stay in bed all day and hide under covers escaping from the world and instead of going out and living life and having fun your hiding yourself away. This is called depression. I am living each day in denial, and i'm ready to admit that I am not okay and I need help.

Never give up, never back down.

Feeling:

I can't believe that you deceived me for so long, I fought for us but I can't trust you anymore. We've been here for too long, please let me out. You've caused me so much trouble and you've really let me down,You've broken all your promises, all that's left are broken feelings, I'm still healing.

I can't believe that you deceived me for so long I fought for us but I can't trust you anymore. It won't be easy to make up for what you've done, I see a chance in all of this, but do I dare to take the risk?

Do you want to know, how I feel today It's been three months of waiting and I haven't heard a thing do you want to know me? we used to be good friends. I guess it's more important than, friendships never end. I can't believe that you deceived me for so long, I fought for us but I can't trust you anymore. It won't be easy to make up for what you've done. I see a chance in all of this, but do I dare to take the risk?

It's done, you're out, I've fought, So long, So long. I can't believe that you deceived me for so long (So long) I fought for us but I can't trust you anymore, It won't be easy to make up for what you've done (So long) I see a chance in all of this, but do I dare to take the...

- It I listen to your lies would you say i'm a man without conviction?
I'm a man who doesn't know how to sell a contradiction.

I miss you, love.

Sometimes I crave that feeling that I had when you were there. I know we've both moved on and we're in our separate lives and I am as happy as you are. I just find myself lingering on our memories. I will never let go. I hope we can be friends... real friends. Not the angsty unstable sort of semi-friends we are now. I shared a great deal of my life with you, I hope it didn't go to waste. I loved you, I always will. I know you know that.

i just had the best conversation

with my bestfriend Mitch. So many memories relived with all our childhood shows. I am so glad that we can talk like we do. I have been really distant from him lately and I think this is exactly what we needed. Aw i luvs him muchly.

I wanna tell you a secret...

I miss you. I don't care if it's in the past and it's all over and it was never meant to be. Your lies made me fly, I just want to feel like that again. I miss the way we used to be, a few months ago. The best lie was when you told me you loved me. I know we were just fun, i'm fine with that, I just wish that I was still worth the effort of the cute lies. There is one day that I will not forget, we sat there, your arms around me, and life was moving all around me and I did not have the slightest inclination to ever return to the busy streets, the stressful life or the sadening reality that was my world. I was so calm, so happy. For a split second I almost forgot what you were. I wish for those moments, and I wish for those secrets to be shared again. I miss your touch, perfected from years of experience, the way your hands feel like no others. I miss your lips, like they were made to touch mine, perfection in a kiss. This seems so deep, but it is so shallow. This is not love, this is lust. This is an intense sexual attraction, nothing more. Still, I long for you.
Yours sincerely, Moonlight.

does it mean something when,

you have a dream that their initials are a scar on your chin?


Uh. He is so... and, I don't know what to do.

sometimes i wonder what you see in me

sometimes i wonder why god would create such an atrocity.



I have these incredible feelings for you, all we have been through, fuck, you complete me. I'm so sure that you are all I need but I am too scared to tell you. I know i've told you before that I dont want it/us/you, but I do. You just, ah, it's unexplainable. It's the classic *happiness in your arms* scene, yeah.

Remind me:

Next holidays that I should disappear. Not keen on pension days or fridays. So busy. Why the fuck does everyone want money? Fuck. STAY AWAY FROM THE BANK, MY HANDS HURT FROM COUNTING. Arharhar. But seriously, I'm just having a bitch. On my way to work and I can't wait because it's "something caramel" for morning tea this week. Like fuckshityes. It's going to be so good. Do you think it's bad that I slink around the safes and slide down the doors. Do you think it's provacative? I hope so. I find it interesting that some people just can't help but look. Yesterday there was a really ugly boy named Josh who asked for my number. I gave him lukes, and I told him my name was Hayley. I just realised that lukes new girlfriends name is Hayley. That one could cause problems. Completely unintentional *shifty eyes*

Contemplating going to TL tonight. Might not though because I don't finish till 6 and it goes from 5-8. Hm, I don't know. I'll see what happens. I want to see OH but. I miss him so much.

DEAR --- -- --- -- --- -- ---
I don't know why your doing this, I care even less. If you think this is affecting me, then you are absolutely correct. Please stop messing with my head. Please stop sending me cute 4 am messages after fucking me over and "breaking my heart". Maybe someday I'll shove a knife through your hand, and your eye. Maybe then you will realise that looking me in the eye, holding my hand, and telling me you love me and and telling me that you will never leave, and then leaving three days later leaving, that's shit you die for.

You can hold my hand if you want to.

So I find myself in a predicament. It's become apparent to me that I am unintentionally pulling all my ex-boyfriends back in. I don't know what the fuck I am doing, but I need to stop. I am sick of hurting people that mean the most to me. So, i've completely given up on MRJ. I've decided he's nothing but a waste of time, a waste of breath. I suppose we are still friends. I'm cool with that, he isn't all that great anyway. I have rekindled friendships with many old friends, potentially good, potentially terrible, but I guess we will see where it leads. I miss the comfort of one person being there all the time, it used to be... nice. It was the stability I think that mattered most, more then the relationship which is ironic because it was the most unstable relationship i'd ever seen. I find myself leaning on probably the last person I should. Granted he throws the word bestfriend around but he hardly carries the meaning, for a few days he was doing a great job, but he inevitably failed as I knew he would. He is unreliable, untrustworthy and he has zero morals, my theory is that he has no conscience. He does not feel guilt for all the horrid things he has done... Eh. Enough of talking about him, just makes me angry to think that such an amazing person could go to waste. I find myself disconnecting from my family, struggling for independance and for freedom. My nan seems to think i'm not ready to experience life, I think i'd rather experience now then later with a chance it could affect my career and possibly the rest of my life. I think at some point I have to realise that this is not all I could be. But until then, i'll keep wishing for something that I haven't quite come across yet.

Dear anti-cupid;

Why can't you just love me back, fucker. Your so indecisive it's driving me crazy. Fuck the mind games off, for starters. I'm about to give up. I can't hang on. I'm too scared of rollercoasters. Fuck. I. Love. You. I'm sorry i'm not good enough, i'm sorry i'm not enough to amuse you, i'm sorry i'm not enough to make you happy and take all your problems and fears away.

And this is how it goes, baby.

I don't understand how I feel. It's confusing. I know I like you, alot. I don't really feel like I should be this blind and just walk into this. I can just tell it's heartbreak waiting to happen, but for some reason I want to hold on. Tralala. Sometimes, I wish things were easier. You know, kharma has come to get me. I deserve this, but it doesn't mean that it hurts any less.