You can hold my hand if you want to.

So I find myself in a predicament. It's become apparent to me that I am unintentionally pulling all my ex-boyfriends back in. I don't know what the fuck I am doing, but I need to stop. I am sick of hurting people that mean the most to me. So, i've completely given up on MRJ. I've decided he's nothing but a waste of time, a waste of breath. I suppose we are still friends. I'm cool with that, he isn't all that great anyway. I have rekindled friendships with many old friends, potentially good, potentially terrible, but I guess we will see where it leads. I miss the comfort of one person being there all the time, it used to be... nice. It was the stability I think that mattered most, more then the relationship which is ironic because it was the most unstable relationship i'd ever seen. I find myself leaning on probably the last person I should. Granted he throws the word bestfriend around but he hardly carries the meaning, for a few days he was doing a great job, but he inevitably failed as I knew he would. He is unreliable, untrustworthy and he has zero morals, my theory is that he has no conscience. He does not feel guilt for all the horrid things he has done... Eh. Enough of talking about him, just makes me angry to think that such an amazing person could go to waste. I find myself disconnecting from my family, struggling for independance and for freedom. My nan seems to think i'm not ready to experience life, I think i'd rather experience now then later with a chance it could affect my career and possibly the rest of my life. I think at some point I have to realise that this is not all I could be. But until then, i'll keep wishing for something that I haven't quite come across yet.